A Fat-bottomed Tweedy Spiderwoman

The other day I watched a spider abseil down a silken thread. She was a big bodied garden spider, making a determined effort to get to the ground. Launching herself off the side of the compost bin she zoomed down but I think the weight of her huge body was making her fall faster than she had expected. Her spindly legs flailed out in panic. She put the brakes on and zipped back up to the top to bustle back under the safety of a bit of wood. It made me laugh - her fat bottom had got the better of her intentions. I related to that, and wondered what kind of spider I would make.

Yeah, I could be a Spiderwoman. By day a housewife by night a superheroine swinging from semi-detached to semi-detached, rescuing cats and averting tea-time disasters by fetching forgotten items from Tescos in the nick of time. And with my super spider senses I'd know which bin to put out on which day.

I'd leave a calling card 'You were saved by Diadematus - your local spiderwoman.'

To be honest I couldn't do with the bright red and blue costume. It's just isn't becoming for a woman of my age. I thought a browny tweedy look would do better. Unfortunately, the costume would have to be made from lycra for ease of movement but there is no way I'd let anyone see me standing up in it. I'd conduct all business hanging upside down. The bottom and middle-aged spread wouldn't be so evident then. This naturally would make the purchase of a sports bra a necessity. I might have to wear a fleece on cold nights as well ... and carry a flask of tea ... and there'd be no superheroics between 7 and quarter past because I'm not missing an episode of The Archers ... but still, it would be my contribution to the Big Society - a fat-bottomed tweedy spiderwoman.